Stressful travel in time :: My own case

It casts a pattern, that i post once a year. This time, it is more of a personal centric, recollection of events that were a mixture of sweet and sour.

For quite long time, i had been depressed and if i look back and analyze, the root cause is most likely to be stress. A common mistake of the psyche to assign wrong weights to one's self responsibilities. In the presence of the spicy illusion called time, it loops up the limbic system. First it appeared though as if things are really racy because of the deadline, but when the deadlines drolled dead in the past, the present and future grew up monstrously to be the worst critic. Thus, the loop in the limbic system should have got me down depressed.

It was quite fortunate to have the conscious observation of self and to taste the world when it was seen from a different place, wearing a not so common glass. The world as it was seen at that time, did not have colors, did not have curiosities, did not have sense of taste, did not have a feel. Problems existed, only to criticize the self, patterns did not quite exist to be embraced for their beauty, but to confuse, dominate and to put down the seeping energy that was trying to build up in the inside. It felt as if trapped in a well with slippery walls and you keep trying trying when there is a huge mockery going on and on up above the well. Quite disturbing, racy, followed up by headaches. Overwhelmingly enough, i did not give up the act of observing myself. I could realize how things are and again if i look back, i could only see that the well or the trap is just a delusion.

The period of recovery was quite interesting. There were ridges and burrows in the topology of emotions. The sense of 'being recovered' would momentarily get lost and then get recovered again. It felt as if one spots a 'catchy' girl amidst of a crowd and keeps an eye on her. Suddenly in a moment, she slips, where the heart starts beating faster to look for her as fast as possible through the confusing narrow channels created by moving people. Suddenly again, her glimpse is seen, heart slows down and again it repeats. This is quite interesting as it 'feels' quite natural rather than a sudden cure, which feels pretty 'linear' or straight. There were smaller wells or slippery pockets on the path of recovery. Though these are not so fierce (which is quite a relative feeling) but could be confusing. One does not have a hint as to, the recovery that was registered is truly a recovery or just a delusional feeling and that there is yet another bigger trap.

This was an interesting lesson and now that i feel recovered from the land of ridges and rocky burrows though it has left multiple scars of which some of them are physical in nature. The theoretical nature of Mind-Body properties and their dependence or inter-dependence is quite unknown, but it is trivial and for certain that affecting one affects the other too. And often the after math of a recovery from depression would be followed by a feeling of insecurity, feeling stark naked like a new born baby that starts to re-learn the environment and the feel of it. It is again a mechanism which i consider is remarkable in the design of nature, to flush out the grims of the unpleasant encounters. We could see a physical evidence of the same kind too. After a physical injury which has affected the skin, the new skin forms. It forms an young layer which is thin and then gets slowly thicker, a natural transformation, which could not have been done in other way. The way the immunity is developed after recovery from a stress or depression or other mental turbulences is yet not very clear to me. Does it really get immune? I guess not much when compared to immunity that develops during a physical recovery.

Now there seems to be colors flashing up in my glass, with senses being slowly activated, quite curious to keep the first feet in the ground, yet again. The experience has provided me with some more insights into the nature of us, the absolute nature of things around us, what we mean by real, the sense of perceiving and how serious we are about the inputs from our senses etc. Though i could not claim hypothesis on those, but i think the post depressive recovery elites one. This is most likely probably if one has self-recovered rather than with the help of anti-depressants.

Socially, it is quite natural for person to keep him/her desolate and live in solitude during the period of depression. But it is not "if-and-only-if" type of assertion, so, corollary is not true, in most cases. I could recollect being away socially and at times not being in touch with most of my friends whom i would've disappointed them, at times. I recollect the fruitful discussions and regret for not being able to respond them with the same vigor that we use to exert, being curious. At times, i've also been pretty immature and being iterative. Feeling good that i got a lovely companion at this time who most often gets bored by my long discussions and pretty predictable pattern in the use of language, but yet good at heart.

They say, hope is one of the powerful companion of self and yet it is also one of the powerful offender of self! There are problems of two kinds, one, which is the closest, which are cast by our own senses and one which is farthest and that requires the problems of the first kind to be solved to even rightly see the problem of the other kind, whose beauty is invariant of our senses and how we perceive them.

Long live the problems, they are the actual fire as well as the fuel rather than the greed, love, passion, lust or anything else. All are a specific constraint of a much bigger and beautiful problem that is frozen in time. Life, yet again is just beautiful!

I wish i had my grandma, yet again!